How to Cope With Loss: Tips for Healthy Grieving

Psychologists have spent decades trying to determine the best ways people should cope with grief and loss.

Famed psychologist Sigmund Freud, for instance, published an essay in 1917 on grief and mourning that outlined “grief work.”

He described it as a period of time following a loss when a person must process or work through their thoughts, memories, and emotions in order to move on with life.

Grief, in a nutshell, is an emotional response to loss, says Matthew Ratcliffe, PhD, a professor of philosophy and grief researcher at the University of York in England. It can be the result of the loss of a loved one — such as a parent, friend, or pet — or the loss of a job or romantic relationship, he explains.

“Many people find themselves bewildered and disoriented by grief,” he says. “The whole world can seem changed by someone’s death. Nothing looks quite the same anymore — everything appears lacking, strange, unfamiliar.”

Some of the most common emotional symptoms of grief include sadness, yearning, shock, numbness, denial, anger, guilt, and helplessness. Grief can lead to forgetfulness, poor concentration, and confusion. It can also produce a range of physical symptoms, including shortness of breath, GI discomfort, headaches, fatigue, nausea, and pain.

“Freud gave us this idea that if we don’t fully ‘resolve’ things after a loss, then the grief is going to come roaring back,” says George Bonanno, PhD, a professor of clinical psychology at Columbia University’s Teachers College in New York City and author of the book The Other Side of Sadness.

Subsequent work has suggested that Freud’s theory is both right and wrong. “Grief work” may help some people cope with loss, but when it comes to grieving, there’s no one-size-fits-all solution.

Grief shows up in different ways for all of us, and coping with it can look just as diverse, Dr. Bonanno says.

Some of Bonanno’s research on grieving spouses suggests indeed we all cope with grief differently.

While plenty grapple with tremendous sadness and yearning and distress, for others these emotions are mild or even absent. Neither is a sign of any kind of problem or clinical pathology. Some people also experience grief as physical pain that shows up in their backs, heads, guts, or elsewhere.

“People often emphasize that grief is painful in a bodily way,” Dr. Ratcliffe adds. “It is through our feeling bodies, rather than just our thoughts, that we experience, comprehend, and engage with loss.”

While some people may benefit from so-called grief work, it’s not a useful strategy for everyone, agreed the authors of a paper on current trends in grief counseling.

Some bereaved individuals may cope with grief better by suppressing emotions or by employing methods of distraction. For these individuals, a traditional emphasis on “grief work” could complicate their natural grieving process rather than help.

Important to recognize, Ratcliffe says: “Experiences of grief are highly diverse, as are the circumstances in which people grieve.”

There is also considerable cultural variation in what is regarded as “normal” or “typical” grief or grieving, Ratcliffe says. There’s no one “right way” to grieve. And while there are few hard-and-fast rules when it comes to how we handle the loss of a loved one, some coping strategies may be broadly helpful.

Just as there is no one correct way to grieve, there is no single approach to grief management that will work for everyone. Pretty much every strategy is highly dependent on the individual and that person’s unique experience.

With that in mind, there are some coping strategies that have evidence backing their benefits.

Make Time for Introspection and Reflection

After a loss, it can feel as though your whole world no longer makes sense. Some researchers have called this a “crisis of meaning,” and they’ve found that reconstructing meaning may be one way to move forward in a healthy way.

To do this, you could make a helpful or important change in your life — something that feels as though you’re growing or improving, which can make your loss feel like a meaningful catalyst. For example, you could devote more time and energy to spending quality time with your loved ones.

Journaling or writing about how your lost loved one shaped your life may also help you identify and construct meaning in beneficial ways.

Talk to Someone About It

“When something major happens in our life — including a loss — we tend to want to talk about it,” Bonanno says.

Especially during the early stages of grief, he says that sharing your thoughts and feelings with others can be both clarifying and cathartic, whether you’re talking with a friend, a partner, a coworker, or a therapist.

According to Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, a book by J. William Worden, PhD, psychologist with Harvard Medical School in Boston, talking through one’s grief can lead to “a more complete awareness that the loss actually has occurred,” which can help a person better make sense of their emotions and experiences.

Stay Connected (in Some Way) With Whomever You’ve Lost

Psychologists in the old Freudian mold often encouraged people to “let go” and “move on” following the death of a loved one. But that may no longer be helpful advice.

“A growing body of literature concerned with what have become known as ‘continuing bonds’ has emphasized that most of those who suffer bereavements sustain one or another kind of enduring connection with the deceased,” Ratcliffe explains. “One might let go of certain things, but one does not ordinarily let go entirely.”

In other words, holding on can in some cases be just as helpful and healthy as letting go, he says.

Researchers have identified four common ways that grieving people maintain bonds with their lost loved ones.

These include:

Sensing the presence of the dead, or feeling as though your lost loved one is near you or at your side. While this may strike some as strange, it seems to be both a common experience and also, potentially, a helpful one.
Talking to the dead, either out loud or in your head.
Using the deceased as a kind of moral guide. For example, you may imagine how the one you’ve lost would have handled a particular situation or dilemma that you’re facing.
Talking with other people who knew the deceased, such as friends or family members, in order to learn more about the one you’ve lost.

It’s worth pointing out that staying connected in these ways is different from not accepting that the one you loved is gone. Not recognizing the loss as real may be a sign of grief that edges toward the realm of disorder, says Ratcliffe.

While there is no right or wrong way to grieve, experts say there are situations when people may benefit from some professional guidance.

“I don’t really think of grief as having a pathological form, rather we now have a diagnosis called prolonged grief disorder,” says M. Katherine Shear, MD, the Marion E. Kenworthy Professor of Psychiatry at Columbia University in New York City.

She says that this disorder is characterized by a persistent yearning preoccupation with the person who died, along with a range of other symptoms of intense grief that interferes with someone’s life for at least six months or longer than might be considered typical for the individual’s social, cultural, or religious background.

For people who meet these criteria for prolonged grief disorder (also known as “complicated grief”), Dr. Shear has developed an evidence-backed form of therapy.

“It includes work on accepting grief, managing emotions, envisioning a positive future, strengthening relationships, narrating the story of the death, living with reminders, and connecting with memories,” she explains. The therapy takes place over the course of 16 weekly sessions with a trained therapist.

“Professional counseling should provide support and guidance to help the person adapt to the loss and move forward in their own life,” she adds.

If what you’re experiencing sounds like the prolonged grief symptoms that Shear described above, consider talking to a primary care physician or licensed therapist.

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Make Time for Introspection and Reflection

Talk to Someone About It

Stay Connected (in Some Way) With Whomever You’ve Lost