Is ‘Therapyspeak’ Ruining Your Relationships?

Words and phrases like “boundaries,” “trauma,” “triggered,” “attachment style,” “gaslighting,” and “narcissism” used to be more confined to therapists’ offices and discussions among mental health professionals.

But with a growing awareness of the importance of talking about mental health, these terms are showing up more and more in everyday conversations (including those on social media).

“I’m a couples therapist, so [using therapyspeak] in your way of talking about what’s going on in your relationship is happening more and more,” says Tracy Ross, LCSW, who is based in New York City.

The trend — and complications it can lead to — are getting more attention from influencers online, too.

TikToker @alexandrawideeys (114.3K followers) posted a video, for example, in which she role-plays what it sounds like when someone uses the terms gaslighting, projection, boundaries, codependency, and toxic so incorrectly that the therapy language is weaponized rather than communicating someone’s needs or feelings. The video garnered 251K views.

"It masks controlling behavior under a commonly accepted positive concept,” explains @therapyjeff (2.8M followers) about therapyspeak. He talked about it in a video where he breaks down Jonah Hill’s exchange with his former girlfriend, which got 1.7M views.

Here’s more from mental health professionals on what therapyspeak is, how it gets used in harmful ways, and what to do instead for healthy, productive conversations.

“Therapyspeak is when language that is typically used in a therapeutic or psychiatric context is applied to everyday, casual conversations, often in an incorrect or harmful manner,” says Errika D. Taylor, MD, MPH, an adolescent and adult psychiatrist based in Durham, North Carolina.

Ross says she has seen an increase in people using terms for a psychological diagnosis or concept in casual speech. “Gaslighting” and “narcissist” are two such terms she hears used the most, and it’s often in the context of accusing someone of gaslighting or labeling someone as a narcissist. And most of the time the terms are not used correctly or in helpful ways, she says.

You can recognize therapyspeak because it’s language that’s borrowed from either someone’s own therapy experience or what they’ve read, heard about, or watched, notes Jephtha Tausig, PhD, a New York City–based clinical psychologist. She says she’d define it as: “Anything that is technical, uses jargon, and is not common in everyday communications between people not licensed as mental health professionals.”

Using clinical words and phrases in an incorrect way can be harmful even when it’s not done intentionally. Dr. Tausig emphasizes that having success in your own therapy sessions doesn’t mean you are qualified to label behaviors or diagnose others.

Therapyspeak gets weaponized when it’s used to manipulate a person or situation or to shut down an argument without addressing the core issues. Misinterpretation of therapeutic concepts, adds Taylor, can lead to miscommunication, which can lead to distance in a relationship.

It’s Used to Avoid

For example, people will say “I’m triggered” when they’re referring to a typical emotional response, which Dr. Taylor says can lead to avoidance rather than confronting and dealing with uncomfortable emotions. (The word trigger is usually used in the context of post traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD, when people, places, sounds, or smells remind someone of a past trauma.)

If you’re using the phrase triggered to stop engaging in a conversation that’s uncomfortable or to avoid uncomfortable feelings, you could be stopping yourself from addressing a conflict in a more productive way.

It’s Used to Distract or Invalidate

Ross explains that attributing a behavior to someone or categorizing behavior using a therapy term can be a way to distract from the real issue and invalidate the other person’s position or experience.

Take the term “gaslighting.”

Gaslighting is a term used to describe psychological manipulation that causes someone to doubt themselves or their perception of reality.

Even if you feel like this is happening to you, Ross says it still may not be helpful to use the term when trying to resolve conflict in a relationship.

When someone says “you’re gaslighting me,” then the conversation becomes about gaslighting and arguing about whether or not it’s occurring rather than how a specific action or behavior made the person feel and what they need moving forward. “It’s a way to avoid being vulnerable,” says Ross.

Instead, she advises talking about the specific incident or behavior and how it made you feel.

It’s Used Incorrectly

Both Ross and Taylor pointed to narcissism as another term that’s often used incorrectly without understanding the nuances of narcissistic personality disorder.

Ross says weaponizing the term narcissism could sound like: “How could you be late over and over again; that’s your narcissism.”

The example Ross gives creates issues because the person is using narcissism to describe someone’s behavior, which is likely to put them on guard and get defensive. Using the label also makes a larger character judgment about the other person, which may or may not be warranted. Instead, she recommends talking in a way that invites them to join a conversation by telling them how their actions made you feel.

Therapeutic terms are intended to be used in mental health settings in the correct context. The experts interviewed for this article agree that using therapyspeak usually isn’t a helpful way to communicate, resolve conflicts, and deepen connections in relationships in everyday situations. But that doesn’t mean it’s always inappropriate to use these terms — or that they can only be used by mental health professionals.

For instance, Ross feels encouraged by the public’s growth and understanding of attachment theory. She says being able to identify your attachment style and explain that to someone can create empathy if done in the right way. “The strongest couples are the ones where people can identify their own part in things and where they can work together,” Ross adds.

Rather than use psychological terms in everyday conversations, Deborah Serani, PsyD, psychologist and senior adjunct professor of psychology at Adelphi University in Garden City, New York, recommends expressing your thoughts and feelings in simple terms. “Instead of saying, ‘You're gaslighting me,’ say ‘I feel you're not believing what I'm saying, and it makes me feel insecure or unappreciated,’” she says.

Instead of using the term boundaries, Taylor says, share your feelings, needs, and desires with the other person.

The real harms of using therapyspeak happen when you’re weaponizing it. Ross compares it to saying to someone: I know there’s something wrong with you. Therefore, you have to fix yourself, but I’m all good.

If you’re concerned you’re misusing or weaponizing therapyspeak, here are three signs to watch for, according to our experts:

You use psychiatric disorders to describe someone’s behavior, saying things like “you’re narcissistic” or “you’re OCD.”
Terms like gaslighting, triggered, narcissistic, toxic, and boundaries, come up in your everyday speech.
You get stuck in a loop when you argue because you find yourself arguing about how you’ve labeled the person or their behavior rather than the issue at hand or how you’re feeling.

To stop using therapyspeak, Taylor recommends using simple terms to discuss your feelings and needs. This can look like explaining the emotion you’re feeling rather than using the word triggered, she says.

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