How to Cope When Your Partner Affirms a New Sexual or Gender Identity
Here are 5 tips for moving forward when someone you’re in a relationship with affirms a different sexual or gender identity.
The revelation that your partner has a different sexual or gender identity from the one you've come to know and love — and the implications that will have for your relationship — can be a lot to deal with.
To the person learning the news, it might feel like the other person has been harboring a secret, and this may feel like a betrayal, says Avigail Lev, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Bay Area CBT Center in San Francisco who works with both couples and individuals.
She says it can lead to the same feelings you might experience if a partner cheated on you or lost a lot of money gambling, especially if the other person kept other relationships or feelings from you, she says.
But not every partner who reveals a different sexual orientation or gender identity was hiding something, says the relationship counselor Martha Lee, a doctor of human sexuality and a sexologist in Singapore certified by the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT).
People can discover changes to their sexuality or gender identity at any age. And similarly, people can go through periods of self-discovery and exploration at all ages, she says. It’s okay to feel a range of complex emotions, but Lee recommends aiming to approach the situation with empathy and understanding.
Depending on the specifics of your scenario, you could be feeling:
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If you find yourself in this situation, here are some tips to help you cope.
The first step in the midst of such a big change is to have an open and honest discussion with your partner, ideally with empathy and understanding flowing both ways, says Lee.
Listen with compassion, and share your feelings honestly. While you'll probably be feeling strong emotions, try to avoid judgment and jumping to conclusions when hearing out your partner. Listen actively, avoid interrupting them, and validate their feelings and experiences.
While you want to give your partner a chance to express themselves in a safe space, you must also acknowledge and share the complex feelings you may be experiencing, says Lee.
“Discovering that your partner has a different sexual orientation or gender identity can be a complex and emotionally charged experience,” says Lee. “It's crucial to approach this revelation with empathy, understanding, and open communication.”
Make space for a range of emotions. While some people may experience shock, others might actually feel relief at their partner’s disclosure, says Lev. If the couple was already growing apart, or if you already had a gut sense that something was off, the news of your partner’s sexual orientation or gender identity may be a welcome explanation for the change in dynamic.
On the other hand, you could be feeling anger, grief, and despair, she says, especially if the revelation comes as a shock.
In one study published in 2022 in Frontiers in Psychology, half of all spouses in heterosexual relationships whose partner came out as gay described the scenario as “turning their world upside down.” Feelings experienced by these spouses included shock, anger, helplessness, desperation, and sadness. Additionally, some questioned their relationship, their own sexuality, their life plan, and their own identity.
Determining the type of relationship you want moving forward and coming to accept your partner’s identity are processes that take time, says Lee.
In scenarios where staying together is an option, you may be grappling with determining whether or not you’re still sexually attracted to your partner or if their new identity aligns with your goals and what's important to you, she says.
You might also be coming to terms with complex feelings about the loss of a relationship and preserving the positive connection you have even as the nature of the connection changes, says Lev.
She says that a change in your partner’s gender identity or sexual orientation does not erase the positive memories and bond you have, provided that your partner was transparent and honest throughout the process.
Give yourself time to reflect on your feelings, desires, and boundaries regarding the potential changes in your relationship, says Lee. Prioritize your well-being, and don’t rush into decision-making.
If your partner hid their sexual orientation or gender identity from you, you may experience feelings of shock, betrayal, and self-doubt, says Lev.
The aforementioned Frontiers in Psychology study found that confusion and self-doubt are typical responses to a partner coming out — questioning the authenticity of the relationship and doubting your own sexual identity and orientation are common responses to a partner’s revelation.
Betrayal trauma can occur when we find out that someone close to us has been hiding something critical, says Lev. Two hallmark features of someone experiencing betrayal trauma are mistrust of others and of oneself, she says. Besides the shock of realizing you can’t trust your partner, you might question your own judgment and ability to know who people are.
Symptoms of betrayal trauma can also include commitment issues, hopelessness, low self-esteem, shame, and guilt, according to the Foundation for Post-Traumatic Healing and Complex Trauma Research.
A therapist can help you reconnect to your sense of self-trust. Therapy can be a safe space for you to reflect on whether or not there was any denial on your part, says Lev.
It’s entirely possible that you ignored red flags, your intuition, and your gut feelings, she says.
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Feelings of shock, grief, anger, confusion, and sadness are all normal responses to a partner coming out as a different sexual orientation or gender identity, says Lee. While you want to keep an open mind and support your partner, you must be vigilant about self-care.
"Supporting your partner during this challenging time requires finding a delicate balance between their needs and your own well-being,” says Lee. “It's essential to prioritize self-care and seek support from trusted friends, family, or professionals who can offer guidance and perspective.”
Lee advises engaging in activities that bring you joy and help you relax. You can also process emotions through journaling and talking to loved ones.
Don’t isolate, says Lee. Connecting with other people who have had similar experiences can be a huge help. Look for online forums or support groups for other partners of LGBTQA+ spouses.
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Depending on your goals for the relationship, you might want to attend couples counseling, says Lev. Therapy can help you navigate the changes to your relationship, including how to rebuild trust or determine next steps.
For example, if your partner wasn’t upfront about their identity, or if you’re feeling betrayed or shocked, a therapist might work with you in the same way that they’d work with a couple dealing with infidelity or other forms of betrayal.
Therapy can also help with determining how to tell your kids, relatives, or other family members in a respectful and mutually beneficial way — or figuring out how to handle living arrangements, says Lee.
When your partner reveals a different sexual orientation or gender identity, it can trigger a range of emotions, including shock, grief, or even relief, especially if the news helps explain changes in your dynamic. Open communication and empathy are essential as both of you navigate this new chapter together. Remember to take care of your own well-being and seek support when needed.
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