How Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Can Affect Relationships, and 7 Tips for Couples

Couples counseling and effective communication tools can go a long way. Learn about these and other helpful strategies.

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) can take a toll on many parts of people’s lives, including romance. All relationships come with their own challenges, but when BPD is involved, it can create further complications.

Whether you're with someone who has BPD or you have the condition yourself, know that it’s definitely possible to have a stable, healthy relationship. Here’s what to know about how BPD can affect romantic relationships, as well as tips for couples navigating BPD.

BPD is a mental health condition involving persistent patterns of impulsivity and unstable mood, self-image, and relationships with others.

Common signs and symptoms of BPD include:

Intense mood swings that can last from a few hours to a few days
Inappropriate levels of anger or difficulty controlling one’s temper
Intense fears of abandonment
A pattern of intense and unstable relationships, with one’s perception of their partner shifting dramatically in short periods of time
Rapid shifts in self-image, including viewing yourself as bad or as if you don’t exist
Paranoia and loss of touch with reality due to extreme stress
Feelings of emptiness
Risky or impulsive behavior, such as drug use, binge eating, gambling, quitting a good job without much reason, or unsafe sex
Threats of self-harm or suicide, often in response to fears of rejection

These symptoms can manifest in romantic relationships in various ways. As mentioned, BPD makes it exceptionally tough to keep emotions in check. “Their perceptions of self and others are not stable,” says Carol Tosone, PhD, a professor of social work at the New York University (NYU) Silver School of Social Work in New York City. “They’re split between whether it's either all good or all bad.”

If you and your partner are struggling to navigate the complexities of BPD in your relationship, these seven expert tips can help.

1. Learn About BPD

Knowledge about BPD and its symptoms is key. Taking time to educate yourself about BPD can bolster the overall health of the relationship for both partners in several ways, says Dr. Tosone.

First, education about this condition can help partners without BPD better understand the symptoms of BPD and can help promote compassion, understanding, and better communication in the relationship, according to research co-authored by O’Leary.

What’s more, for partners with BPD, learning to pinpoint the triggers behind their intense emotions and behaviors and communicating this to their partner can also help reduce stigma and shame they might experience related to their BPD, adds Tosone. Stigma — a set of negative beliefs that people or society have about something — affects many with BPD. Some common stigmatizing beliefs related to BPD include:

They’re miserable and want to make everyone around them miserable, too.
Everyone needs to walk on eggshells around them.
They only bring pain and trauma into others’ lives.

Education can also dispel stigma by helping partners without BPD understand that the condition is typically rooted in a history of trauma, she notes. “It can help to think of BPD as a genetic predisposition that can be activated by traumatic life experiences,” says O’Leary.

Why that’s important: Knowing that the condition is often rooted in past trauma can help the partner without BPD to have a clear view of what’s prompting certain symptoms and behaviors. “[They will know] this is why the person [with BPD] can't trust,” says Tosone. “This is why the person gets angry, so that [partners without BPD] don't see it as something personal when somebody's cursing at you. They just realize the person's very scared.”

2. Learn to Understand Your Partner’s Symptoms

Along with learning about the symptoms of BPD, it’s important for partners without BPD to understand what the partner with BPD is going through, Tosone says.

Understanding how BPD symptoms affect your loved one personally can help you learn to recognize patterns in their emotions and behavior and react in a supportive way. When you understand what's happening during intense emotional moments, it can be easier to have empathy and maintain respect for one another as you navigate those moments, Tosone says.

“If I understand that you're angry and you're upset and that something I said triggered you because you have a history of trauma, I'm going to look at you differently [with more understanding],” Tosone says.

It could also help to view BPD as a “state” rather than a “trait,” adds O’Leary. “A BPD partner is not displaying personality traits, but rather they are in a state of stress and fear,” she says. “And their specific brain and body is doing what it is wired to do to cope with being in that state, as well as trying to escape this state.”

3. Attend Couples Therapy

If you and your partner are struggling to navigate the challenges of BPD in your relationship, it could help to see a couple’s therapist or a similar mental health professional with expertise in BPD for help, says O’Leary.

Couples therapy can help you both discuss your needs and expectations as a couple in a structured and safe space, as well as better understand your feelings and how you relate to each other. This can be particularly helpful for preventing misunderstandings and projections onto your partner.

Couples therapy can also help both partners become more supportive and understanding of each other's needs, she says. “Your BPD partner isn't the only one in need of support — we are all human and being human means we need each other,” O’Leary says.

4. Be Patient and Validate Your Partner’s Emotions

It’s important to remember you can’t control your partner’s thoughts and actions, and they may struggle to manage their intense emotions, O’Leary says. When emotions run high, try to remember that they’re working through a lot internally. Their emotions can be very strong and may shift quite rapidly.

Learning how to best respond to your partner with BPD in these instances can take time and patience, she says. “Your partner with BPD experiences the world and interactions differently than you do, and it is crucial to be supportive to them by validating their internal experiences,” O’Leary says.

Some tips for validating your partner’s emotions include:

Give your partner your undivided attention when they’re speaking.
Maintain eye contact with them and nod your head periodically to show you’re interested in what they’re saying.
Reflect on your partner’s message by restating what they said in your own words. For instance, you could say, “It sounds like you’re feeling this emotion because of that trigger.”

5. Learn Healthy Communication Strategies

It’s important to have clear and concise communication among couples navigating BPD, says Tosone. Good communication can help reduce misunderstandings and conflicts, and that in turn can help build trust and make intense emotions easier to manage, Tosone says.

If you’re struggling with communication, it could help to work with a couples therapist to learn healthier communication strategies. Some other tips that could help improve communication are:

Set aside some time to talk without distractions or interruptions.
Plan ahead about what you’d like to say.
Tell your partner clearly about what’s going on and how it’s affecting you.
Be mindful of your tone of voice.
Communicate what you feel, need, and want. It can help to use statements starting with “I feel” or “I need.”
Don’t forget to share positive feelings about your partner, too — including that they’re important to you and what you love and appreciate about them.

6. Find a Support Group

Both partners with and without BPD need support, O’Leary says. That’s where support groups or group therapy can come in.

Whether you have BPD or are in a relationship with someone who has BPD, connecting with people who are going through similar experiences can be a game-changer. It offers a safe space to vent, learn coping skills, and get some much-needed validation, she says.

“Oftentimes partners of people with BPD find themselves experiencing caregiver burnout or compassion fatigue,” notes O’Leary. “Accessing your own mental health support can help you feel taken care of and supported.”

7. Take Threats of Suicide Seriously

Threats of suicide are a potential symptom of BPD, and people with the condition have a higher risk of suicide than people without it. If your partner threatens suicide, ask them if they’re serious about ending their life and tell them that you’re concerned about their safety. If suicide or self-harm seems imminent, call 911 for immediate medical help or dial 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for guidance.

BPD can be challenging to navigate in a romantic relationship, but with the right effort and support, a meaningful and loving partnership is possible.
Learning about the condition, maintaining effective communication, practicing patience, joining a support group, and attending couple’s counseling are all strategies that can help.
If you and your partner are having a hard time navigating the challenges of BPD in your relationship, consider reaching out to a couples counselor or therapist for help.

If you or a loved one is experiencing significant distress or having thoughts about suicide and need support, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, available 24–7. If you need immediate help, call 911.