9 Signs You’re in a Healthy Relationship
Healthy couples communicate their wants, needs, and boundaries, even when it’s difficult. Learn what it takes to nurture a healthy partnership.
Taylor Swift is finally getting her happily ever after: In a fairy tale-like Instagram post, the famously lovelorn singer announced her engagement to Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce after two years of dating, with the cheeky caption: “Your English teacher and your gym teacher are getting married.”
Finding the right life partner can be tough, as Swift can surely attest. But there are signs your relationship has what it takes to go the distance, says Jennifer Howell, PhD, an individual and couples therapist based in Ashville, North Carolina.
“A great relationship is a safe place for both people to love, honor, and respect one another,” says Dr. Howell. “You can communicate your wants, needs, and boundaries, as well as listen to the other person.”
Cultivating a healthy relationship is important because the opposite — a toxic relationship — can heighten depression and anxiety, impact sleep, cause you to take up unhealthy habits, and even impact your heart health, says Mary Jo Rapini, a licensed professional counselor in Houston who specializes in intimacy and sex therapy.
What’s more, many couples in unhealthy relationships don’t know that they are, especially if they grew up in a household where dysfunction was the norm, says Rapini. So it’s all the more important to be able to identify where your relationship stands.
Here are nine signs you and your mate are a good match:
It’s easy to know when your partner does something you don't like — maybe they don’t call you for two days or don’t help out around the house when you live together. But it’s not always easy to speak up and tell your significant other that their behavior upset you.
“This takes a lot of strength, self-confidence, and courage, because you have to come from a vulnerable place,” says Howell. In a healthy relationship, you’ll feel secure enough to be open with your partner.
Trust is foundational in all relationships, but with social media and always-on gadgets, it can be easy to snoop. In a healthy relationship, though, you won’t feel compelled to — in part because your partner shows you they're trustworthy.
“They’re reliable and available. When they say they’ll be there, they’ll be there,” says Rapini. They also show you they trust you by giving you the freedom and space you need without checking up on you constantly — and that includes checking your phone, she says.
Many couples swear by the thinking described in the 1992 book The 5 Love Languages. By understanding different ways to give and receive love, you can forge a deeper connection with your partner.
Different love languages include:
In a healthy relationship, you’ve taken the time to learn each other’s love language so you can express your feelings in a way that works for you both, says Howell.
Every couple fights. But contrary to what you might think, you don’t need to fix every issue. In fact, it’s okay to have a handful of topics that you two will never agree on.
Sometimes, “It’s totally fine to agree to disagree. I think that’s healthy fighting,” says Rapini. “In healthy relationships, there are at least five issues that are ‘no-talkers.’ They’re the issues that you both differ in opinion and perspective on, and that’s okay.”
“Many of us have a dream or vision for our life, and especially as we age, we want to maintain those visions,” says Howell. It’s okay if your dreams and your partner’s don’t align with one another, she says, as long as you “honor and encourage each other to achieve your goals.”
“Couples who have the greatest love affairs are the ones who are able to maintain their interests, but don’t put guilt on their partner for not sharing it with them,” Rapini says. That means both of you encourage each other to explore what you love on your own.
Howell agrees, adding that while it’s easy to adopt your partner’s habits and interests, resentment can build over time if you become over-reliant on one another. “Developing and investing in yourself builds self-confidence, self-love, and joy,” she says.
When you’re in a relationship, it’s crucial to know your strengths and weaknesses, says Howell. Maybe you’re confident around your friends but self-conscious at work. Or you know that little things, like your partner forgetting to take out the trash, can set you off.
Whatever your strengths and weaknesses, being aware of them can help you reach a point of loving and accepting yourself, which in turn can help you love and accept your partner.
A healthy relationship means you’re both on the same team. “Both parties discuss and agree upon important subjects that are meaningful to one another,” says Howell.
She gives the example of budgeting for something big, like a vacation. An unsupportive partner in an unhealthy relationship doesn’t honor that goal, and may sabotage it by trying to get you to splurge on something unnecessary.
If you can talk it out with your partner and they acknowledge and understand your boundaries, that’s a good sign, Howell says. “However, if your partner repeatedly ignores what you value, including your boundaries, that’s concerning.”
Once the initial elation of a new relationship wears off, check in with yourself: Do you feel happy and supported by your partner? How are your mood and self-esteem? If you feel any strain or lack of support, talk to your significant other — it’s the healthy thing to do.
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